Panadola Diction

Ireland, like a toddler, needs to be told what’s good for it, and gently spanked every now and then. If you were to allow toddlers to be democratic and rule the country, we’d soon all be eating Liga and staying up all night playing with stickle bricks, which sounds great, but we’d also have vomit on our shoulders and be sitting nonchalantly in our own faeces. Toddlers need a benevolent dictator. As does Ireland. I suggest me.

When I’m in charge, all train drivers will be made redundant and replaced by second-hand games consoles. My research suggests that a 16-bit processing unit would be more than capable of handling a train’s basic controls - i.e. Go and Stop. As a fail-safe mechanism, nerdy pre-junior cert students will be excused from P.E. classes to monitor the consoles (preferably Sega Mega Drives), and be on hand to take manual control in case of an unlikely emergency. These ‘Junior Auxiliary Inspectors’ will be issued train-driver’s hats and blue uniforms. All trains will run exactly on time, with 100% efficiency. Redundant ex-train drivers will be re-trained to do something else, possibly to manufacture hats.

On their breaks, the Jauxis will be encouraged to play the classic Amiga game, Sensible Train-Spotting.

As Emperor Joseph II said, “Everything for the people, nothing by the people.”

Spare a thought for the last door you opened. Did you have to think about how to open it as you approached it? If you did, it is a failed design. There’s so much bad design everywhere. Most of it falls into one of two categories - functionality sacrificed for ’style’, or just plain stupidity.

Any door with a ‘Push’ or ‘Pull’ sign is a failed door. You should just know without having to read instructions. Should I push the left or the right door? It should be obvious.

Do you have a Mac? Does it have one of those built-in DVD drives under the monitor? (I’m not sure what model this is) How do you open the DVD drive? There’s no button - fucked if I know. They had them in DIT Aungier St when I was there, and a colleague had to point out that you need to press a button on the keyboard to open it. “Where’s the sense in that?” I said. “Oh, but it looks prettier without a button”. This is why I hate Apple products. Too much pretty and not enough common sense.

And one-buttoned mice - “Why?” said I. “Oh they look prettier without two buttons, and Mac’s don’t include right-click functionality by default, we Ctrl-click instead,” said she. “But that means I need to use two hands - how is that better?” said I. “Ummmmm,” said she, “but look, it’s all pretty and translucent.” Fucking mac shite. What if I want to drink coffee whilst copying and pasting something? I can’t on a Mac. I need to put down the coffee! What if my friend walks past and I want to wave at him/her? I have to stop work! What if I want to scratch my ear? Production must cease. “But wait,” said she, “look at the brand-new Mac mouse - it’s got a revolutionary little ball that you can use to scroll up and down!” Oooh. “You mean a scroll-wheel? Like on a normal mouse?” “Ummmm…. but it’s so pretty!”

“And why is the ‘Power’ button way off back at the back of the monitor, where I have to stretch to reach it to turn the thing on?” said I. “Apple would prefer you to leave the computer on in standby mode, I guess,” said she. “I don’t give a shit what Apple would like,” said I. “But they are so stable,” said she. “Oh come on - you’re not controlling a hospital’s life-support machines, you’re animating a red blob, which turns into a blue blob. Oh look, it’s red again. Blue! Red! Only with the power and stability of a Mac is this possible,” said I. “You’re mean,” said she.

Argh, I love arguing with Mactards. And don’t get me started on M4A format and iTunes.

Right, there’s a nice unfocused rant to start the weekend. It doesn’t even fit into any of my categories. Hmmmmm, maybe I’ll make a new category.

Anyone interested in backing up their design-related rants with some theory should read The Design Of Everyday Things, by Donald Norman. Interesting stuff.

I’m not ever going to try and compete with cutty edge music blogs, or laboriously listen to everything that comes out to save you the bother. No. Why would I do that? I prefer to listen to some new stuff, and lots of old stuff, and catch on to things five months after all the really advanced musotards*.

Also, having demolished my 30gb Creative Zen, and having borrowed a 2gb iPod Nano from a child, I’ve been forced to somewhat streamline my portable collection. Here be a few notes on newish stuff I’ve been listening to of late:

• The Breeders - Mountain Battles: I really like this album, it’s gone onto my ‘play all the way through’ album rotation.
• Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks - Real Emotional Thrash: Again, I really like this, it grew on me steadily with each listen. It’s not quite Pavement, but it’s a near as we’re going to get these days.
• Black Lips - Good Bad Not Evil: Entertaining in parts. I like the sound of ‘Bad Kids’ for some reason.
• Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid: Only put this on this week, so not sure yet. I love ‘Grounds for Divorce’, but the rest of it is of a different ilk. Possibly a grower.
• Lykke Li - Youth Novel: Likable stuff, though I generally flick after the first half of the album. Nice summery sounds though.
• Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Dig!!! Lazarus, Dig!!!: Only put it on the iPod last night, but already liking the sound of it.
• Santogold - Santogold: Again, it’s very new to me, but I don’t know what to make of this. Lots of genre-hopping, and I’m strugging to listen to ‘I’m a Lady’ with a straight face.

That’s about it, there’s other stuff on there too, old reliables, digital comfort blankets, jam on toast, pints of Smithwicks, but I’m not going to list those.

Here’s a muxtape with some songs on it. It may change whenever I feel like changing it, rendering its link to the above list obsolete, or at least rendering my telling you what’s actually on it now pointless. What’s a muxtape? Go see.

2gb really isn’t enough. I don’t like not being able to select an album from an extensive collection when I’m walking somewhere, and I’m not organised enough to plan ahead and predict what albums I’ll want to listen to tomorrow. I’m glad I didn’t like music** back in the days of CD’s and tapes, I would have had to carry a rucksack around.

In other news, there’s a new branch of Real Gourmet Burger in Ballsbridge (there’s been one in Dun Laoghaire for a while). It’s great (polite staff, good burgers) and it’s jammed. Why someone didn’t open a chain like this years ago is beyond me, it seems like the most obvious idea in the history of dining.

*No offence, musotards, I’m just sulking in your shadows.

**Pre 2000ish I led a sheltered musical life, surrounded largely by people who liked dance compilations, like Best of Euphoria 4 for example. But dancing is wrong. I dabbled in bits and pieces of good stuff (the first album I ever bought was Beck’s Odelay, quite by accident, I bought it with a book token. That’s quite iron-ee.) But I generally wasn’t that fussed with music, or audio in general.

Big News!

Podcasts*. I hate that word. Panadola Diction is officially experimenting with making little mp3 files of formerly vinyl-based material available online.

I have finally gotten around to purchasing this, and with the help of many wires, I’ve managed to rip some songs from my dusty old records. So here, for your listening pleasure, in glorious mono (hopefully I’ll figure stereo soon), is a short playlist of vinyl rips. I would say mix, but they’re not mixed at all, they are simply put end to end. I’m no disk jockey.

I’ve taken five songs from my pile of 7″ singles, just to start with. If things go according to plan, and if anyone listens to them, hopefully there’ll be more.

The playlist for Podcast #1 is as follows:

1. Make It Wit Chu (Accoustic) - Queens of the Stone Age
2. The Exploding Boy - The Cure
3. Ordinary Son (Part Une) - Ungdomskulen
4. A New Career In A New Town - David Bowie
5. Work Is A Four-letter Word - The Smiths

If any has any tips or suggestions for the best file format/file sizes/audio quality - etc to use for these things, leave a comment, thanks.

*Disclaimer - Panadola Diction is a crap non-profit blog. If anyone important is disgruntled by this podcast and wants me to take any material down, for serious reasons, email jusk@panadoladiction[dot]com, or leave a comment, and I will do so without fuss.

 

 Panadola Diction Podcast #1: The Vinyl Test [15:58m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (39)

I’ve been slowly getting into vinyl since my grandfather gave me his box of old records last year. I picked up an old plasticy Bush mini-system, which is truly awful, and ran it through the Aux-In on my 10 year old Aiwa hi-fi thing, which isn’t exactly top of the range either.

Regardless, I amused myself, and irritated others, with the diverse collection of records, which range from great, to interesting, to hilarious. T-Rex, Bad Company, Joe Dolan, Perry Como, Charlie Pride, The Sounds of Sandhurst, 20 Hits of Mother Ireland, The Pope Visits Dublin, The Best of Bing, Now That’s What I Call Music (the very first one), Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlett, James Brown - the list goes on.

The initial novelty of it all was then backed up by a few gems I found in charity shops around Dublin (my best find so far being a haul of good-as-new Cure vinyl from some place on Aungier St), and now I’ve found myself unable to walk through town without digging through the 7’s in whatever record shop, and my little collection is starting to mushroom.

So, it’s time to upgrade. After consulting with a couple of people who seem to know what they are talking about, I’ve been pointed in the direction of Cloney Audio in Blackrock, and their range of Pro-Ject turntables. So, I think I’m going to get one of these:

It’s a Pro-Ject Genie, and I believe it should be a little better than my old Bush…. It’s pretty much their entry level model, but it’s supposed to be a good deal for the price, sound wise. And it looks rather delightful. I’ll be needing a pre-amp too I think, and it’ll still be going through the old Aiwa in the short term, but, all going well a full separates system might be on the cards soon.

Anyone got any turntabley advice before I bite the rotating bullet?