Ireland, like a toddler, needs to be told what’s good for it, and gently spanked every now and then. If you were to allow toddlers to be democratic and rule the country, we’d soon all be eating Liga and staying up all night playing with stickle bricks, which sounds great, but we’d also have vomit on our shoulders and be sitting nonchalantly in our own faeces. Toddlers need a benevolent dictator. As does Ireland. I suggest me.
When I’m in charge, all train drivers will be made redundant and replaced by second-hand games consoles. My research suggests that a 16-bit processing unit would be more than capable of handling a train’s basic controls - i.e. Go and Stop. As a fail-safe mechanism, nerdy pre-junior cert students wil
l be excused from P.E. classes to monitor the consoles (preferably Sega Mega Drives), and be on hand to take manual control in case of an unlikely emergency. These ‘Junior Auxiliary Inspectors’ will be issued train-driver’s hats and blue uniforms. All trains will run exactly on time, with 100% efficiency. Redundant ex-train drivers will be re-trained to do something else, possibly to manufacture hats.
On their breaks, the Jauxis will be encouraged to play the classic Amiga game, Sensible Train-Spotting.
As Emperor Joseph II said, “Everything for the people, nothing by the people.”
